This season has been c-r-a-z-y. Seriously, I wonder if life has ever been this crazy. Twelve hours of masters classes. Huge papers. Huge exams. 23 etsy orders. Oh, and 75 emails. Wife, nanny, counselor. On top of that, trip to the DMV for a new license, oh and my car wouldn't start.
Yesterday, I was on the point of serious exhaustion - like the kind where you get sick and can't function - but there was no stopping in sight. I desperately wondered what would make me feel better, lift me up, make me not feel so crazy - here is what was on my list (and I did all of them):
1. Talk to mom.
2. Get a PSL.
3. Walk around Target.
4. Don't even think about reading that book for a paper that's due tonight.
5. Go home instead of the library.
6. Change into comfy clothes.
7. Let Buck lift my spirit.
This was my plan. A very good plan if I say so myself. But it wasn't enough.
I had some worship music playing, and in the midst of my desperation and temporary fixes, the Lord made very clear to me that I needed to come to Him. He wanted me to bring Him all my emotions that were ready to burst, all my mental exhaustion, all my physical weakness, all my relational stretching, all. my. helplessness. He wanted me to worship. He wanted me to humble myself and cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me. He wanted me to want more than relief. He wanted me to place my mind on Him and not so much on myself. He wanted to remind me how big and capable and beautiful He is.
He is the Way. He alone restores. He revives the lowly. He is Life.
[John 14:6, Psalm 23, Isaiah 57:15, all of John]
There in my kitchen. I stood in awe, weeping over my sin and over how much I wanted to be with Jesus. All I could muster up was "I can't wait." Yes, there was a little desire for relief there, but mostly my heart just wanted to see Jesus. To want Him more than comfort. To want Him more than I wanted to not be a crazy person.
Y'all, I did some serious repenting. As I did some processing in my time with the Lord, He opened my eyes and mind to what was really going on with my heart. Those things on my list are good things (almost - i.e. avoiding book reading). But they were put on the altar of my idol of comfort, relief, and not being out of control. I wanted those things more than I wanted my Savior. More than I wanted to trust that He never gives more than we can handle. That He never leaves us or forsakes us. That He is with me - Immanuel.Those things are good only when they serve as avenues of loving Jesus and wanting Him more.
I did some praising too. Joy always follows true repentance - we have forgiveness and GRACE, and we don't have to live in slavery to our lesser loves and desires anymore! They never, ever satisfy. I did all those things and did not feel lifted or better or less crazy. They didn't get to the heart of the matter. They only served as temporary happiness when I needed eternal hope and peace. Praise the Lord, He used His Spirit to draw me to the One I was really yearning for, to deep down, Who I really wanted. Joy comes on the heels of letting the gospel get deeper and deeper into our hearts.
Praise rang from my lips -
"You broke through my misery and set me free! You made a way in the desert. You are beautiful and faithful and GOD. And I am not."
Sharing is a part of repentance, too. So I've shared with some folks close to me, and now I'm sharing all my craziness and goodness of the Lord with you. You may even be wondering how I have time to write this little blog - well it's my birthday, and I chose to celebrate by writing :) Anyway, I am still a crazy person. But mostly, it's a good crazy. A crazy that says, "PTL for PSL's, but Lord, I need You."